The Five People You Meet On Twitter

With no due respect to the guy who wrote that book about the five people you meet in heaven, here are the five people you’ll meet on Twitter:

1. John Bartlett. A long, long time ago Bartlett published a book of quotations. More recently, he’s been resurrected from the dead in the form of Twitterers who do nothing but tweet annoying sayings and quotes that happen to inspire them at the moment. Emphasis on the them. Maybe they’re trying to show us how deep and thoughtful they are, I don’t know.

2. Kanye West. If there’s anybody out there who doesn’t know when to shut the f*ck up, it’s him. Unfortunately, there a lot of people on Twitter who don’t know when to shut up, either. They suffer from something called Twitterhea. It’s a good thing I haven’t been drinking, or I’d be inclined to name names (it’s actually a really good thing I haven’t been drinking, because, as I write this, I’m sitting on the train on my way into work).

What is it about these people that makes them think we care that they just drank a Red Bull, or that their bed in their hotel room is comfortable, or that there’s a guy driving in front of them who didn’t hit his gas pedal as soon as the light turned green? (I’m not making this stuff up). Why are they even tweeting while driving?

3. Art Link-A-Lotter. In real life, Art Linkletter wrote Kids Say The Darnedest  Things. On Twitter (or should I say “in Twitterville”) Art Link-A-Lotters don’t “say” anything. They simply provide links to articles and blog posts. That’s it — no comments, no conversations, just links. There are a few Twitterers with dual personalities — part Kanye West, part Art Link-A-Lotter: In other words, an endless stream of links all day. Someone shoot these people, please.

4. Billy Mays. Did you ever see Billy Mays when he wasn’t selling something? Me neither. Same with these people on Twitter. Every tweet is a sales pitch for their company, or worse — for themselves. I can’t imagine why these people think that the rest of us are just sitting by our Twitter client apps just waiting for their next self-absorbed sales pitch.

5. You. If you’re lucky — and you will be — you will meet YOU on Twitter. More accurately, people like YOU. It’s the one thing that makes suffering through meeting the other four people worthwhile.

12 thoughts on “The Five People You Meet On Twitter

  1. Pingback: Twitter Trackbacks for The Five People You Meet On Twitter « Marketing Tea Party by Ron Shevlin [marketingteaparty.com] on Topsy.com

  2. I have three more to add here:

    John Madden: 75% of John Madden’s Twits are about sports, with the other 25% focused on how great this cheesesteak he’s eating is. We get it guys – you are real men. Great job on what you’re doing with your Twitter accounts. Really, we mean that.

    Sarah Palin: These people use Twitter as a vehicle to defile Barack Obama, in 140 characters or less. Coincidentally, Twitter imposes the same 140 character limit that Sarah Palin demonstrated in real life when answering simple questions like “What are your foreign policy credentials?” (“I can see Russia from my house”, for example, was only 30).

    Alfred Hitchcock: Criss cross! I’ll do your murder, you do mine. These people will only RT your Twits if you RT theirs first.

  3. I bet that when there are 1 billion Art Link-A-Lotters on Twitter, we’ll run out of sites to link to. And tell Guy Kawasaki that me too I’m watching CNN!

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  5. JC: One on hand, I want you to know how much I truly and sincerely appreciate you commenting on this blog. Not just on this post, but on all of the posts you’ve commented on. You truly help to drive the conversation, and I couldn’t be more thankful for that.

    On the other hand….

    Can I ask you to not to politicize things here? This is a marketing blog. While many of the people that read or comment here may have a burning desire to express and discuss their political views, there’s a right time and place for that. I hope you’ll agree with me that Marketing Tea Party isn’t the right place. Thanks.

  6. Alright, geez, you didn’t have to get all Taliban on me Ron (assume I can at least poke fun of Afghan politics? 😉

    I was trying to be somewhat ironic…

    Not to mention the name of this blog is Tea Party…

    But I’ll cool it with the inflammatory rhetoric.

    (ps – I did put the Palin one *in between* Madden and Hitchcock – thought I could slip it in there without anyone noticing, guess I was wrong)…

    Thanks for giving me a written warning before banning me altogether…

    -J

  7. This is SO true.

    Then there are the trending-topics-obsessed. Shall we call them the KaseyCasemCounters? (I admit to having participated once or twice, but some people use the entire 140 characters just to say #topic #topic #topic etc.)

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  9. As someone who has just recently delved into the whole social media thing for “Business Purposes” (having previously really only been a user of facebook in terms of genuine social use) i’m finding it quite difficult to get my head around the best way to take advantage of twitter for business without being some annoying person people actually hate. I personally can’t stand when i’ve found certain people to follow who SOUND interesting, but then just post link after link after link to all sorts of things I don’t really care about!

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